I’m training my replacement today. Here’s how it’s going:

Lesson 1: Drink. A lot.

Now, I prefer beer, but some days, you may only be half-way through your first beer of the night and you get called. WHAT DO YOU DO??? In these cases, I like to take a shot, then chug the rest of the beer before going back in.

Of course, by the time you finish fixing the problem (which is most likely not your problem, but rather some other asshole’s and you just got roped into it), you’ll probably be stone cold sober, so you’ll have to take another shot and chug another beer just to get back to your starting point. This can be frustrating. In these cases, it’s best to do yet another shot and chug another beer. Give it about 10 minutes to kick in. Use this time to contemplate how much better your life was before you started this job. Ok, so 10 minutes have gone by and you’re finally feeling a buzz. BUT YOU DO NOT STOP NOW. No no, that’s a rookie mistake. Now’s when you start hitting the beer en masse. I like to try to finish off 8 or 9 regular cans, or a sixer of tall boys.

Lesson 2: I haven’t really come up with a second lesson. Really, the first one is the most important. Now get to work!