Did it work? Are you reading this? IS IT VIRAL YET?!??! Ok, good. You’re here. I’ll just assume it’s viral. Schedule an appointment with your doctor on Monday.
So the good folks at Alibi Whiskey sent me a bottle to review. I mean, they didn’t specify “review” in so many words. They just said to let them know what I think. But I’m not one to half-ass anything unless I’m being paid for it so I’m going all out on this whiskey. No flaw will be overlooked. No subtlety will go unnoticed. No drop will go undrank. This whiskey is in for a testing, alright.
The bottle in question.
Background: First, a little bit about Alibi. A little bit, because that’s all I could find. By the way, who is in charge of Wikipedia? Why the hell isn’t there an entry for this?! Did my $3 contribution last year mean NOTHING?! Anyway, by digging around on their website, they’re owned by Panache Beverage, Inc., makers of Wodka Vodka. Right off the bat, I know even if this whiskey sucks, it doesn’t matter because these guys know marketing and savvy marketing just tastes so good.
Appearance: The first thing we notice is the bottle. The intricate design indicates that many hours were spent around a table yelling at interns to come up with something faster. Thankfully, interns are worth their weight in minimum wage salary, and this bottle turned out magnificently. “Glorious” would even be fitting. If I could make love to this bottle, I would. Thankfully, my penis is too big for the opening SHUTUPYESITIS.
Stress Testing: Now that we’ve feasted our eyes, let’s get down to the Nitty-gritty. The questions we all want to know. If I find myself in a Worst Case Scenario, like out of that book, will this bottle save my life? The answer… may surprise you.
Flame Retardancy: Let’s say it’s 3 AM. You’ve been out all night, trying to get some poon from the 10s at 7 PM all the way down to the 6s at last call. You find yourself home alone, masturbating to whatever’s on Motherless.com and all of a sudden, you hear an annoying beeping sound. Undeterred, you forge onward. You’ve seen this video before, there has to be something worth watching. *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP* “Oh shit, that’s the fire alarm!” Well, what now, smart guy. It’s not like you’re going to pull up your oh-so-clever “twig and berries” boxers and run outside to safety. You’ve got a boner. And even if you could, you’re no quitter, no sir. So you reach for the nearest flame-retardant you can find. Spoiler alert, high-proof alcohol is a bad choice. The bottle however, could save your life. After strenuous testing, the results do show the Alibi bottle to be flame retardant! One point for Alibi!
This bottle could save your life someday.
Severe Cold: Fire isn’t the only thing out there trying to kill you. Here in Nebraska, we have to deal with the treacherous cold on a daily basis six months out of the year. Alibi whisky, being born out of New York certainly understands extreme temperatures. New York survived 9/11, Hurricane Sandy, and recently Winter Storm Hercules, so I highly doubt they’d overlook something so obvious. Nevertheless, I ran it through my extreme cold test by leaving it in my apartment for a few days with the heat off. The results were pretty clear - Alibi whisky can possibly save your life in extreme cold.*
* If in an extreme cold situation, seek shelter and immediate warmth. If Alibi whiskey is the only thing you have, drink the whole bottle. You’ll definitely feel better for a little bit.
Who are you calling frigid?
Stand Your Ground: The NRA says the only thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun. I disagree. I think a bad guy with a gun can be stopped by a good guy with Alibi. To be sure, I got out my gun (relax, I’m a good guy) and threatened Alibi. But Alibi didn’t move. It stood its ground, like any American should. Alibi made me realize that the only shots I wanted to take were of it.
SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS - whoa hold on…
USB Compatibility: Now it might not be a literal life saver, but should you need a “Go Bag”, you’re looking for something that can travel. I’m a big fan of portability. So I was extremely disappointed to learn that Alibi is not USB compatible. I guess we’ll have to wait for the next version, but for now, apparently the workaround is a flask.
There’s no port for Firewire either, Apple dicks
Wrinkle Resistance: Me personally? I’m a low maintenance kind of guy. I like to roll out of bed in the morning, whiskey stench still on my breath, and pop into work like a fresh chicken. The only way I can do that is by not having too much to do in the morning. Like most dudes, I hate ironing, but sometimes it can’t be avoided. In this category, I’ve got good news and bad news. The bad news: The Alibi bottle does NOT iron. Like, at all. The good news: It doesn’t wrinkle either. I guess this one’s a wash.
Steam didn’t even help
Classic Literature Knowledge: I can’t be stuck in an End-of-World situation with some half-wit Teen Mom or Pawn Stars fan. I would go crazy listening to anyone endlessly talking about how Kanye is a genius and immediately use them as a food source regardless of how much food was actually left. Fortunately, Alibi was knowledgeable on classic and even ancient literature, quoting passages from Beowulf and Shakespeare. I felt a little under-prepared even. Touché.
Musical Ability: Finally, if the end of the world is happening, I need to know if my whiskey can rock. In my testing, I found that Alibi can play the first few measures of Stairway to Heaven, all of Purple Haze, and some Credence. So, all in all, it’s no Zakk Wylde, but I guess it can hang.
Maybe I can teach it some Drop D riffs
Straight: So I suppose we should get to the actual taste and whatnot. When trying any new spirit, I like to take it in shot form. Because I’m not a pussy. Here we go…
OH DEAR GOD I AM A PUSSY, DON’T EVER DO THAT TO ME AGAIN.
Am I dead?
Ok, I’m back. I would be lying if I said I like shots. I don’t. I see them as a means to an end. At their very best, they’re a “lets get this party started” booster. Needless to say - Party: Started. I feel like I’ve been kicked in the chest by a mule. A 90 proof mule. If you shoot Jack, you’ll happily shoot this. Unfortunately, I can’t even get a good read on it, because I’m still recovering from the cavity that was my sternum.
Manhattan: This is my all-time favorite drink. I like many-a-whiskey in this drink. Everything from Jack to Jim to Makers to Turkey taste amazing in this drink. The vermouth and bitters are of little consequence and I feel I can accurately judge the whiskey in this drink. And with Alibi - there’s something off. Something slightly wrong-tasting about it. I can’t finish this drink. I do not recommend this for Manhattans.
Looks can be deceiving
Coffee Old Fashioned: This leaves us with a drink I just picked up recently thanks to a recipe I found in InsideHook’s The Gentlemen’s Handbook Volume II. The Coffee Old Fashioned is kind of like an Old Fashioned, but with less bullshit and more coffee. My three favorite things in the world are whiskey, women, and coffee, and two out of three ain’t bad. This drink will cure sobriety so fast, it’ll make your head spin (and cover your floor in vomit). Alibi whiskey excels in this category and takes the lead in front of of other whiskey’s I’ve tried. This is a winner, case closed.
Ice spheres recommended, but just because they look cool
Conclusion: It’s not for everyone and it’s not for every drink, but Alibi whiskey will get the job done as a shot, and raises the bar in a Coffee Old Fashioned (and probably a regular Old Fashioned, you fruit-loving asshole). It’s still new, so check for availability.